I received a very nice birthday present over a week ago. A book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I'm only partially through it because I don't want to read it too fast. I have been reading it very fast, but I need to slow down: there is really good stuff in it. The subtitle of the book is "nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality". I like that. I am oh so tired of christian religiousity. I am so tired of theology. I am so tired of hearing sermons for the head, leaving the spirit to rust inside. The poem in the previous post eludes to that a little.

But what I like very much so far about this book is that the author puts himself into place: the place of being a sinner, the problem with the world. He admits humbly that he thinks of himself all the time, pleasing himself, making himself comfortable, etc. Yet the same time, his spirit is drawn to God in a way that is unbeknownst to himself. As he was talking with a friend about believing in God, "there is something inside me that causes me to believe." That is so reassuring to me. Because even in the midst of this valley I am in with faith, something inside me still causes me to believe, even though I may be covered in the sin of selfishness.

That perspective of spirituality this book has shown me is encouraging. I hope it continues, but moreso, I hope that we can find a community of believers who feel the same way. Funny thing, while I'm on that subject. A* and I were talking about this (and our troubles with church stuff) the other day and she realized aloud that the fellow believers we are close to that share our views of following Jesus are also struggling with church stuff. A movement or just coincidence?

Hungry, distracted - where's my focus?
Expectations are high, desire is strong
yet the spirit is unfulfilled.
What I feel inside is real -
the tugging of God on my soul.
I long to experience something new, something clear;
not in my head - my head is full, tired, and weary,
rather my heart to respond - naturally -
to the One who prods, who calls.
But I'm being fed knowledge, information, theology
which silence the voice within.
Am I alone in my search to calm my spirit -
to respond?
Or does my muted heart cause my sin?
Oh how my tongue longs to praise!
And my spirit to walk again.

I have been sick all week long. This cold that I have just won't leave me, but I am feeling better. I wish that I would have been feeling better earlier this week. I know that my illness took away from the emotions I was feeling inside. I just couldn't show them or hold them for very long.

But now that I am getting better, I cannot believe how excited I feel. A* is actually pregnant! That is the first time that I have written those words, though I've said them aloud over and over. I still cannot believe it. I think that once we see/hear the heartbeat in two weeks, that will make it stick. I know it's true, I really do believe she is pregnant, but it's hard to grasp 24/7. I know that soon, faster that we both realize, things will change inside and outside of both of us that make it more of a reality. I can't wait!!!

There is so much anticiapation that I feel inside as we expect this wonderful baby (and we are praying that there is only 1). I want to read what I can to prepare my heart and mind and body for being a father. I know that I will be a much different person - and I hope that I am, too, in the best way possible. I want to prepare my heart and soon our new home, for baby. And I especially want to take care of my wife as she goes through pregnancy and enjoy every moment of it that I can with her.

Now, if I could only get rid of this cold for good....

This morning when I woke up, I felt terrible. I have escaped illness all winter thus far (all 30 days of it), and was hoping to escape it further. I hope that it was just the fact that our bedroom was too warm and stuffy last night. But as the day has progressed, I've been feeling worse. This is supposed to be a big weekend for us - family, birthdays, meeting a new baby, and hopefully finding out about expecting our own. But if I continue to feel like I do, it's going to turn out to be a very long weekend.

Oh, and go Steelers!!!

I haven't been very motivated at work recently. You know how when Human Resources presents information on how to get help if personal situations start affecting you at work and you say to yourself 'That'll never happen to me', well, it happened to me. Too much has been happening outside of work that it's taken over my mind. As hard as I have tried to keep work at work and not bring it home, I've been having problems keeping most of home at home. Home stuff at work is going to happen, but more recently I've lost all motivation to do work.

But today I feel a little lightened, and I must admit, I feel a little guilty about it. I had a meeting I had to attend - a conference call with a PR person from a company whose software we use. She is handling a nomination for an award based on a project - my project - that we incorporated into their software. The whole meeting was about how great this project was, how amazing the results are, and how many people want to use it. Essentially I had to brag about myself, the work I did, and also promote the others who assisted, the last part I was glad to the do.

But as the meeting progressed, I began to feel confidence growing inside of me. I began to feel as if what I am doing is important. I had my boss and her boss talking about the project's importance and it made me feel good. It made me feel like I wanted to do more projects that had these results. It made me want to go out there and do more.

I hope that this high continues. I want to earn my salary. I don't want to be a slacker. I want to feel as if I am doing my job with honor. God, give me this motivation tomorrow as I come back to work.

By some standards, this past week could have been considered a great week. The offer we put on a house down the street was accepted. It appears that we've received excellent financing opportunities because of our perfect credit, and we settle on February 28th. It's a great house that meets just about all of our needs. The kitchen is the only thing needing improvement, which will benefit both A* (who loves to cook and bake) and me (who loves to eat what A* cooks and bakes).

Also, all signs within A*'s body point to a possible conception. Her hormones levels are where they should be and we know that three egg follicles ruptured. Hopefully one of those stuck (and not more than two). Another week of waiting and we'll know for sure.

I should be happy, right? Well, one thing I hoped for did not occur. Our best friends decided they are moving to Tennessee. They have an offer they can't pass up. I don't blame them, but I wish they weren't leaving. (And if they ever read this, don't take this next part personally.)

I (and A* and I together) often feel very alone going through life. Friends are not ample like they were in college. Christian friends are hard to come by. Even though we have met some new people in church, they aren't yet at the same level of friendship as we have with our best friends. And maybe we'll never ever have that again.

This alone feeling makes me doubt a lot. Christian people should not be hard to get to know, to build deep relationships with, to open up to each other. But in reality, we are all the same as others. We hold things back, we get scared, we don't want to be hurt. And once we've been hurt, opening up is the last thing we want to do.

I know that is true for me. As an extrovert (and I really want to find a better word for that - how about "sociable person"). Ok - so as a sociable person, I can find it easy to give access to only the surface. Like a social drinker who only has one or two, sipping away during the night, that's sometimes all I need to give in order to fit in and be energized. As a person who has been hurt, I really don't want to give more. As a soul trying to follow Jesus, I need so much more. The surface isn't enough.

Maybe that is why I am sad this week. My heart is longing for more, starving maybe, for others who share the love that motivates our souls to long for friends, community, and fellowship. I sure need God to fill that void in me now.

High: We found a house that we really, really like. It's a good size (1900 sq feet), location (3 blocks from where we live now), and what we need to grow as a family for many years.
Low: We need to make an offer now before selling our house. That means a lot of financing, a little risk, and a lot of confusion.

High: We are exciting about the possibility of being parents.
Low: Our best friends just told us that they are moving away at the end of March. We really wanted to be parents with them.

I'm spent. There's no other way to say it. I'm just really, really spent.

I think I have run myself through almost every emotion today. A* and I woke up for our second appointment in two days with the fertility doctor. I can't write too many specific details, but things are working the way they should now. We just have to wait and see now. [sigh] We go back next Tuesday for a blood test to be sure that the hormone levels are acceptable for implantation, and then, I guess, more waiting.

The information we get is good to know, but after such activity with appointments, tests, and stuff, it's hard to take a wait-and-see approach. But this is the time I need to rest in God's arms. Boy, do I. I am so exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Anger - I was even angry today. We are having work done in our house: drywall in the living room. We discovered today after the appointment that this is the third day out of 3 that the contractor has not shown up at 9am, as he said he would. We gave him two stipulations when we paid him the first half of the job: don't work after 5pm when we come home and you have to be done by Thursday - after he said that he could probably be done Wednesday, but Thursday was safer.

I had to confront him over the phone since he wasn't working. He gave me excuses which made me more upset and then had the gall to ask if I wanted him to finish the job. I said "Of course I do. I want you to do what you told me you would do, which is also showing up on time and completing it on time." I am calmer now, but I am looking at this as he is an employee of mine, which is new for me. But if I have to fire him, I will. This is the opposite type of situation I want to be dealing with during this process that A* and I are going through.

There is so much going on. Baby stuff is still the priority, but now my house is a mess. There is dust everywhere! We are having our living room drywalling repaired so we can be ready to put our house up for sale if we find a house we like. Trust me, the timing of this work is not perfect. But when is it ever?

My goal today is to avoid a migraine. I got one yesterday, and it was not a day to get a migraine. Neither is today. I just need to avoid it however I can, which really is impossible. Migraines are not something that can be avoided. They either happen or not. Hopefully today it will not.

I hope that soon I get my thoughts more in order and get back to writing. There should be lots to write about... I hope.

I have had my share of up's and down's, but not as continuous as the past year. The "trying to have a baby" coaster is one, but the added "it's time to look for a new house" has some huge hills and drops that I was not expecting. I could do one or the other, but both is starting to make me feel sick. We found a great house on the online listings yesterday, fell in love with it, and found out that it is already sold!!! This house most likely fit the needs we had plus was at a lower cost that we are expecting to have to pay to stay here in the area. And it's gone.

We have no idea if we'll ever find a house that meets those qualifications. Once a baby comes along, we'll definitely have to move. WIth our dogs, our house is too confined to have a baby there, too. I just can't believe the emotions that I ran through today in dealing with the news that it is not available.

I don't want to settle on a house. I want to find one that we both love. A new house we both love for the next stage of our life with the baby we will both love with all of our hearts...

So I'm back to work - was yesterday, actually, but today is the first full day I've put in since before Christmas. I can honestly say that today has been the longest day of my year. It amazes me how little things change, even with time off. I still lack motivation to get myself into full production mode at work. I don't know if it is the distractions that are available, or laziness, or some deeper issue that I need to explore. The odd thing is that some of the projects that are waiting for me are interesting. The problem is that the higher priority projects are mundane, tedious, and boring.

What I desired for myself in this new year is that I would come back to work refreshed and ready to put forth the effort level that I should. But so far that has not happened, and I admit I'm a bit discouraged.

In a different area, I started ready "A Year with C.S. Lewis" in an attempt to have a personal quiet time of reflection and meditation. I officially started on January 3rd when we returned home from Pittsburgh, but the first two days readings have been a little over my head. I find that some times with C.S. Lewis, but more often than not I can find something to hold onto to think about. So hopefully some things along the year will strike me and mold me into a more reflective, comtemplative person.

So today I gave my wife a shot. Today was the start of A*'s FSH treatment to stimulate a good ovulation in her so we can get pregnant. I have to admit I was nervous. It was only a pen injection, but I didn't do it fast enough. I say "only" because A* and I both know that the needles could be much bigger. But it's still scary.

I feel a little weird writing about how I feel about this because it is really A* that is dealing with so much more physically and emotionally with this fertility process. I admire her so much in the courage that she has showed, in spite of her fears and anxieties. No matter how much she fears what is next in this process, she has done it. I am so proud of her!

I have to give her another shot on Thursday and possibly over the weekend based on her blood test today. I know that I can do it, but I am struck by the amount of trust A* has in me to let me do this to her. That strikes up a bit of a self-confidence issue within me. I seem to always shirk away a bit when others show trust in me. It's almost as if I am trying to express to them that they should not trust in me like that; that I will fail them, hurt them, or something. I have trouble believing that I can produce the results or actions they need to keep their trust in me.

It's not really humility, because if I were truly being humble I would be gracious yet admit that I am a sinner that may fail them in my sinfulness. Am I being sinful in this reaction, even if it is subconscious sometimes? Or is it a self-acceptance issue? I don't know.

The other thing that I am dealing with is that this process so far as entirely been about assisting something in A* and not in me. I am trying to be as completely supportive as I can be to A* through this, but in some ways I feel that this is torture to her. And now that I have to give her shots, I almost feel as I am now taking an active part in that torture. How can I support her and torture her at the same time? How do I believe that I am not really torturing her, but actually supporting her by doing this shot thing to the best of my ability in gentleness?

On the other end of the spectrum of this process, I am so amazed at the amount of information the doctor gives us at each examination. We could look at this process from a scientific, efficient way to get pregnant, but it is so cool to learn how God has designed A*'s body to work and how things progress within her to prepare her for pregnancy. I hope that we can keep that perspective.

ps - I ran the title of today's blog by A* to give a humorous relief of such a stressful day. she laughed and approved.

So it's the new year - 2006... woo... hoo... Given how this past year has gone, I thought I would be more excited about the new year, but it will only be a happy new year if the following really happen:

a.) A* and I get pregnant
a - part 2.) we have the baby (though I'll still be happy if it happens in January 2007)
b.) our best friends stay in Bethlehem
c.) I complete my masters degree and have no more classes
d.) we move into a great house for a great price

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of more right now. So we leave from Pittsburgh today which means the end of my vacation is almost over. I wasted it. I didn't rest like I needed or have the downtime I needed. Maybe the new year can have more opportunities for me to actually carry out my need to rest (yes, before the baby comes).