That's right - the thesis is done. All done! It's been turned in, soon-to-be bound (and microfilmed so Jack Bauer can carry it around when he needs to think of something smart to say). It's such a relief. Now I can get back to important things, like Searching for God Knows What.

I decided to start over in reading Searching for God Knows What. It seemed appropriate because the last time I had read something in it I nearly started to cry and knew that there was more for me to think and medidate on. I just didn't have the brain function to do that, even if it was my heart that needed to read it.

So I started at Chapter 1 last night. It begins with a funny story of Don going to a conference on how to capture literature for the glory of God, a conference about self-help books and spirtual formulas to do such self-helping. He lays down the foundation for the rest of the book, which is that God didn't give us formulas, he gives us an invitation to know him. And Jesus tells us things like "I am the way" and "eat my flesh" and "drink my blood" and things like that. Jesus didn't give us a five-step plan to heaven. He merely shows us love. But how awesome and confusing is that!

At first I thought this chapter was just for my amusement - the stories of his plans to write a novel about a nun who overthrows dictatorships in third world countries by having the dictators fall in love with her or about a boy genius who grew up in a maze and later brought down the postal service. But I realize today just how dependent I am on formulas. My thesis is all about finding the right formula to solve a financial crisis. In between thoughts I am working on my budget made up of various formulas. Formulas are everywhere!

In trying to figure out how to be faithful and in community with others (i.e. church), I now realize that I am looking for a formula for that. I don't want to go back to either First Pres or Cornerstone. Cornerstone especially is very formulaic and litergical. First Pres represents too much history and not enough true community. I'm sure if we forced the issue we could find community, but I don't think it would be a healthy walk for me now. Even as I try to explain our decision to leave "church" I search for a formula that makes sense, even to me, that this was a wise or right decision.

Last Sunday night, we had my aunt and uncle over and two of our friends, who are around the ages of my aunt and uncle. We had fellowship. It was good. All of us, in some way or another, are struggling with church, seeking more than what the church formula has to offer. I don't think we are a home church yet, but maybe we'll become one. It's early to predict.

But we've also been going to a very large church 90 minutes away from us. They have really good worship, and by that I mean that the team plays excellently without distraction of a concert. It's contemporary and modern. It's my sister's church, but it is so large that I can go and worship and be anonymous. I really like being anonymous in worship. I have freedom to worship that way. But even though no one knows me, I do feel a sense of being relational with the other 2,000 or so people there because everyone there seems motivated by God to worship God. So far, it doesn't appear that anyone is just coming because they feel they have to. I love that. I really wish there was a place like that near our home, but for now, every 2 or 3 weeks to this place will do.

Back to formulas. I am eager to see how this book breaks apart my need for formulas. I am wanting to be changed by God through this.

It's ironic that I was expecting my return home as getting myself back on track - one month plus later, here I am again. My thesis is due this Friday and I'm hoping to get it completed this afternoon so that I only have minor edits to handle from now until Friday. So hopefully I'll be able to write more consistently from this point on.

In the meantime, enjoy an interview of Donald Miller by Drew Marshall: