I am sitting here in my chair this morning feeling a little insecure. I was trying to figure out what specifically is making me insecure. I then realized that I hadn't written about chapter 5 of Searching for God Knows What, which as I as skimmed to try to recall what I wanted to write about found a couple paragraphs on insecurity.

There is a lot of context which would take me too long to print here, but the essense of the beginning of the chapter is talking about Moses' description of Adam and Eve before the Fall, how they were naked and unashamed. Miller writes that Moses was emphasizing this point by stating it five times, and then again by stating that after they ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil they immediately were aware of their nakedness. Miller continues that Moses' explaining all of humanity right there in Genesis 3:

Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God's love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn't even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone....

If man was wired so that something outside himself told him who he was, and if God's presense was giving him a feeling of fulfillment, then when that relationship was broken, man would be pining for other poeple to tell him that he was good, right, okay with the world, and eternally secure. As I wrote earlier, we all compare ourselves to others, and none of our emotions -- like jealousy and envy and lust -- could exist unless man was wired so that somebody else told him who he was, and that somebody else was gone.

Think about it for a second. Moses, in chapters 2 and 3 of Genesis, has presented a personality theory more comprehensive than the writings of Freud, Maslow, Frankl, and Skinner combined. And he did it in only a hundred words.

It is scary to me, for some reason, that this describes me so clearly, but at the same time is such a huge relief. At some time during most days I feel an emptiness, an insecurity, and a lack of motivation. The excerpt above unraveling Genesis 2 and 3 shows that this all stems from losing the complete and intimate relationship with God. It saddens me so much that I choose other things above God, that I don't seek my complete fulfillment in Jesus, and then I complain internally about my insecurities. But I feel it so much inside me now - this longing for Jesus to complete me - that my eyes water with sadness and hunger.

It makes me wonder how much more I could love my wife if I simply chose to let Jesus infiltrate all of myself.
It makes me wonder how much more excited I would be to hold the child we are soon going to be blessed with.
It makes me wonder how much more motivated I would be to seek community if I truly listened to Jesus daily, sought out the truth for me, and meditated on the gospel of love, peace, and forgiveness.

It makes me wonder what fulfillment would really feel like.

Yesterday A* was telling me how she was still unsure of if she had felt the baby move and how hard it is to keep going so long without feeling it. Even though we saw the baby moving on the ultrasound, we didn't get very good printed pictures to show (or prove?) the baby to others. But last night, as we were watching a local high school theatre awards show, A* rested arm bounced off her belly with an exclamation of "Wow!". The baby gave a huge kick! I placed my hand roughly in the same spot and about 30 seconds or so later, I felt it too!!!! It was one of the most wonderful things I have ever felt. It didn't happen anymore after that, but it was clearly the sign we were longing to feel. I am still in awe of what I felt and makes my expectations of holding this little one in my arms even greater!

Today, I was reminded a number of times about our loss of community through either losing touch or people moving or leaving a church or other things. I was reminded in various different ways, but it made me think about why are we reminded so frequently of what we lack or miss? Can it be God prodding us to come back to Him or can it be the evil one luring us into self-doubt, hopelessness, and loneliness? Can it be the battle of God and the evil one and we are caught in the middle? Or is just our nature to be aware of what we do not have rather than what we do have?

Tomorrow is A*'s and my 5th wedding anniversary. In the midst of all that has happened, I am looking forward to spending my time with her, reveling in the marriage that God has blessed us with, the opportunity to love one another, grow as people, and to share in new and wonderful things, such as our expentant baby. I cannot express accurately in words how marvelous my wife is, but she is indeed the joy of my life given to my by God.

I love you, A*!

Last night I visited a place of my past. A dark, damp location, dimly lit, crowded, and a bit mysterious. More than 6 six years ago it was similar, with less mystery. More than 6 years ago I worshiped there, sought out God's direction in my life, looking for that piece of fulfillment that I sought since being graduated from college. More than 6 years ago I thought I was becoming a member of a worship team, fulfilling one piece of the puzzle called my life.

Last night the mystery was what exactly was going on. It was billed as a journey called One Gathering. I was hoping that this was going to be a new worship service or a new church that would finally be a place I could go and worship that is close to where we live. It started at 7, I arrived at 6:52. I received a raffle ticket upon my arrival. I filled out a form. I was handed various flyers. I instinctively walked into the main room, as if 6 years had never gone by. I took my seat and watched the room fill, fill with people younger and younger looking. Oh - there's one or two people my age. Oh up there in the second level there are people older than me, but wait - they look "official". They have badges. They must be "leaders" or something.

A wave of sadness filled my heart. I came alone to check this out, hoping, even desperately, that this might be the place where people will come to worship, but I started to doubt that I had just walked into another dud. I spot a college friend of my sisters. She's looking for someone and when not finding her sits down in a dark corner. There's an empty seat next to me, so I invite her to sit with me, hoping that at least a friendly face will make this experience better. She, like me, came to this place over 6 years ago to worship. She also doesn't really know what this is all about.

The music starts - a rock band with flashing concert lights, playing loud, with lots of distortion and feedback and a girl convulsing and shaking and shouting into a microphone. They are singing something - the words are on a screen; they look familiar, but the music does not. Actually it just sounds like noise: great - now I sound like my parents 15 years ago. Wait - it's a worship song, really? is it really? I can't tell. I try to join in singing, but the band sings their own way. I stop and listen. I pray - "God, I hope that this gets better because I don't know why I'm here."

The next song comes on the screen. I recognize the words, it's a slow song normally, but it doesn't sound like what I recognize. I try listen again, but mostly I look around the room at people. Some people are swaying with their hands in the air. Some people are singing some things that I can't make out - it's not the song. Tongues? I dismiss it as nothing. The next song starts - Open the Eyes of My Heart. Ok, yes, I need this. But yet again, it's not the same. The lead guy singer is singing something else not on the screen. Wait - he's singing a U2 song - I don't understand - how does I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For work with Open the Eyes of My Heart? This is confusing.

The music ends. We stand for 60 seconds before someone says we can sit down. Someone starts to talk. He gives a sales pitch about what would the Lehigh Valley look like if we were united as a church instead of churches. What would our friends look like? What would our worship look like? (I hope it's not what we just had before he got up). He reads from Phillipians 2:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Another guy gets up to tell of his story. It's a pastor of a new, small church that A* and I went to once. He talks about how he worshiped here over 6 years ago and had a God experience that caused him to sell everything and go to seminary. I'm amazed: all I got from worshiping in this place was heartache, skepticism, and hurt from people I thought loved me. I mentions that there are more people here now than ever here over 6 years ago. Not true, my sister's friend and I confirm with each other. He thinks this place is special and a similar God experience can happen again if we are united. Ok, I'll give him that. United were not the people who led worship in this place 6 years ago.

Ok, now we are breaking up into small groups based on the last number of the raffle ticket. I go to my number. We try to get into a circle in a corner. This is a joint effort/ministry of churches and college/career groups in the area. Introduce yourselves by saying what college you go to or just graduated from (uh oh) and where you go to church (crap). I'm clearly old here - oh hey - here's a mom of a college student. The circle comes to me: "I'm Tim, I graduated from Lehigh University [before any of you were in high school], and I don't go anywhere to church [because I can't seem to find one that has deep worship and community]." That was awkward. We had two minutes to discuss what the Lehigh Valley would look like if we were united. Sorry - could you speak up? Oh, the next band is starting to play - we should go back to our seats, but come back here after the next talk.

The next talk? It's already been an hour - and Desperate Housewives is coming on soon. Just kidding, honestly, I want to go home and be with A*. It is confirmed inside of me that A* knew all along that this wasn't going to be what I had hoped it would be. There is mass confusion of people trying to get back to "their" seats. Another 5 minutes goes by since I decided that I would try to stay for a little longer, but then I decide it's not worth it. I don't go to any of these churches, I'm feeling very old (which is a new one for me being 29), and I can't see myself sitting here for another hour or two. So I decide to leave.

I walk out the door, the cold breeze fills my lungs, the suffocating feeling escapes my body and maybe my soul. [Getaway Car by tobymac just comes on the shuffled playlist of my iPod as I write this. That's funny, God. Nice touch.] I hustle through the first parking lot and run into another Tim, a fellow worship-team member from over 6 years ago. He's just getting here and my departure makes him wonder if this isn't worth it for him. I tell him not to judge it based on me. We chat for a few minutes, he invites me to come back to our church, says things are getting better because a new worship leader was hired. He says that this guy has a real passion for worship. I thank him for inviting me and tell him that maybe we will check it out again. A church with a good children's ministry would be good for us when the baby is born this fall if the worship and community is restored.

I drive home, wondering whether this was worth it or not. Talking to Tim was good. I'm glad that there are people who are looking for unity, though I wish they didn't have hide who [read: churches] is interested in being united. It would have been nice to really be able to worship rather than just to follow along with a band who was doing their own version of a rock concert and you could try to sing along.

In the end, it was another place where I felt lost, another place where I felt sad that maybe I'll never experience a community of people who really want to worship Jesus nearby, and now felt a bit old. In the end, I'm still scared that I'll end up all alone crying out to Jesus to save me.

One of the reasons that I started this blog was to, on a daily basis, spend some time actually thinking, feeling, and processing what God is doing, saying, and initiating in my heart. I had gone so long through the state of spiritual numbness that I knew had gone too long. It still amazes me how much writing down what I'm feeling, thinking, reading, processing, and praying keeps me in touch with God.

Yesterday I was angry. Honestly, today I'm still angry, though not to the same degree. But as I went looking for what was new in the world of Donald Miller, I came across the latest Burnside Writes Collective publication. There is a chapter excerpt featured from an upcoming book called The Power of Serving Others : You Can Start Where You Are. The chapter details a doctor being called up to go Iraq with the message of Jesus planted in his soul of "Love your enemies." While the situation he details is more significant that mine, it is a powerful reminder to me that my response of anger is wrong, and love is the way I ought to be responded. And in this case, love is respect for my authority, appreciation for my job that provides a salary, and humility in my actions of doing what my job calls for. I must admit this is difficult to swallow, but swallow I must - no - love I must.

Today should be a happy day because a nephew was born early this morning. But instead of seeing him with my wife and mother-in-law, I am sitting here angry at work; angry because I was told by an authority that "while babies are cute, you are needed here." I am angry because I value family, and the taste in my mouth that I have today makes me doubt my ability to be at father while in my present job - something I never, ever doubted before. In fact, it was something I thought would work out perfectly. But now I am not so sure, and that makes me upset, sad, and confused.

I am having a very difficult time working while I am this angry, and meeting with people, especially those in authority. This is a difficult day.

Last night, A* and I went to a goodbye cookout for two people that we got to know only briefly, but really respected and admired. They are people that we wish we had an opportunity to know better, an opportunity to become close friends with. They are moving, albeit just down to Philly, but far enough away that makes it virtually impossible to build a close friendship.

When we decided to go, we were initially worried that it would be overwhelmingly awkward because everyone but us would be from the church we semi-regularly attended some of the past year. (see yesterday's posting). But we did have two other sets of friends who would be there so we decided that we should go for the people who are leaving. What happened amazed me: the people there welcomed us, not as strangers, which we were, but as fellow believers. And the people who are leaving spent real quality time with us. They talked to us extensively, very interested in our lives and just as interested to share with us their lives. They didn't have to do that. There were 20+ other people there to say goodbye, but they spent time with us. I was honored, touched, and blessed. I left there overwhelmed with a sense of Jesus that I haven't felt in a very long time.

What we experienced last night, with one exception, was the type of community that A* and I long for. We went last night because we genuinely cared for this couple and wanted to show it. They returned that same genuine care and interest to us. A* noted correctly that we do have that with the small group gathering we have done twice now with my aunt & uncle and friends. But it's also important for us to recognize that we also need people our own age to have a closeness, too. It is not a knock on the small group above. It's just a different need, and I think they would agree.

In the fourth chapter of Searching for God Knows What, Don Miller writes about the some of authors of the Bible he particular likes. One of them is John the Evangelist, as he is known to some, or John the disciple whom Jesus loved. He mentioned specifically about how John wrote in his essay about Jesus (i.e. the gospel of John) that he was going to die and what an impact that must have had on his friends and family. Here is an excerpt:

When you read the book you start realizing that people who were very close to John read this essay and got to the end and started crying because John was telling them he was going to leave, and then I'll bet at his funeral everybody was standing around thinking about how John knew he was going to die and told them in his book. And I'll bet they sat around that night at somebody's house, and somebody who had a very good reading voice lit a candle, and they all lay on the floor and sat on pillows. The children sat quietly and the man with the voice read through the book, from beginning to end, and they thought together about Jesus as the man read John's book, and when it came to the end where John says he is going to die, the person who was reading got choked up and started to cry. Somebody else, maybe John's wife or one of his daughters, had to go over and read the end of it, and when she was finished they sat around for a long time and some of the people probably stayed the night so the house wouldn't feel empty. It makes you want to live in a community life that when you think about the way things where when Jesus had touched people. (bold mine) A community like that might sound far-fetched, but when you read through John's other books, the short ones, all he talks about is if you know Jesus, you will love your brother and sister...

These people to whom we said goodbye last night certainly know Jesus, and they most certainly love their brothers and sisters in Jesus over and over and over again. And the other people who were there recognize this and honored them with their presence at the meal, and noted these loved people's future absence.

This is the type of community I desire. This is the type of community I long for. Ironically, I say this in the same thought as I wish that this particular church would have a different type of worshiping and teaching philosophy. But what I most take away from last night and my reading is that I think I got a little glimpse of heaven. While no one leaves heaven, people are sharing Jesus with each other through their lives, regardless of their denomination, church membership, and/or their preference of worship.

Now if I could only find more of heaven on earth...

While I was listening to a talkbalk segment of The Drew Marshall Show, a Christian radio show in Canada, about what churches can do (or not do) about getting 20-somethings back to church, it hit me that it's been about a year since I've stopped attending the church to which I became a member. Yes, A* and I did semi-regularly go to another church, but as I look back, I realize that we weren't completely committed to the church. And I'm ok with that now.

It has been a difficult year in our struggle with the church, losing some friends, and wanting to expand our community base while we are expecting a child, and trying to find a spirtual home where we can worship. In the meantime we've met with some friends who are also discouraged with church and attend a church now and then where we can worship. It's a start, a place of fellowship, hopefully a stepping stone. But I really desire a more permanent community and especially a more permanent worship home.

I'm not sure I can detail what the church should do to get me back to a point where I am committed to going, but some of the things would be:

• a commitment to developing intimate community
• united contemporary/modern worship
• a focus on the gospels and not on themselves

It should seem that this would be the foundation of all churches, right?

The latest chapter of Searching for God Knows What was about relating to God rather than just intellectualizing that there is a God, or believing in a Santa Claus type of God that has a nice list and a naughty list. But actually relating to a God that wants to rescue us from ourselves, despite all that we do and especially all that we are incapable of doing without him. That makes God very BIG - so big that he ought to be feared. Not feared as in scared to death, but rather respected for the life he wants to give us.

And while that is true, why is it that we still trip all over ourselves, worry about things that are trivial, argue about who's right and who's wrong in politics, blame our problems on each other, and generally just be selfish? I am being confronted over and over again about things that are outside of myself, things I probably should care about, things that I need to prepare for, and ways I need to love. It's the transition of my life right now, with a baby on the way and the lifestyle changes that are coming, that I start to wonder how I've been relating to God and in what ways I need to.

Do I really believe that God, in his awesome nature, really wants to relate with me on a personal level?
Do I really believe that God wants to communicate with me, listen to me, and if I listen, reveal to me his truth?

More importantly, am I living like I believe those things? Truthfully, not well enough. It is no wonder that I fail to marvel in his love when I fail to read of the love he has for me. It is no wonder that I struggle with being in community with the church when I think of nothing but myself. It is no wonder that I have trouble believing that there are people out there who will love me for who I am when I don't act in love to those who need it most.

In all that, how do I relate with God? do I relate with God? God, help the unbelief in my life that keeps me from relating with you.

I posted a response to a Donald Miller post on donmillerfans.net.

I appreciate the honesty in your opinion, Don. I think you should be commended, which I can say even though I don't agree with everything you think and feel politically.

Ever since I started reading BLJ and S4GKW (presently), and especially after hearing you speak at Messiah College (well done, btw), I have been contemplating many of my political views. My eyes have been opened to various social justice issues that I had been blinded to, and would still be if I were still adding my fundamental Baptist church. The Blood Water Mission, for example, is one such valuable cause that I plan to support.

War is another, more specifically my stance of being "pro-life". If I claim that I am pro-life, shouldn't that be pro-life for everyone: the unborn, the prisoner, the enemy? I have been struggling with the death penalty for many years due to a cousin who was murdered and his parents petitioning the court to not give his killer the death penalty. But I have never second-guessed the reason for war. Now I do based on what pro-life should mean as a follower of Jesus.

That said, I think that lumping abortion and gay marriage as only a conservative Christian concern is not completely accurate. The ban on gay marriage specifically crosses "the aisle" and based on votes goes outside the evangelical church, too. Even Oregon banned gay marriage in a constitutional referendum 57% to 43%, the same election year as it chose Kerry over Bush by 52% to 48%.

But what frustrates me most about our political scene in the US is the blame game that is being played by all corners. Personally, I'm unhappy with a lot of what is happening in DC and within my own state of Pennsylvania. Everyone is in it for themselves, on both sides of the aisle, blaming each other. This is the main reason that I don't blame Bush for the failures is that he has inconsistent support even in his own party. He clearly doesn't have the control needed to be the source of failure of everything that is going wrong, or at least not going right. I'm nearly ready to throw in the towel politically and go independent.

But what I am discovering most about my look inward about politics and views is that I am more and more in support of the separation of church and state. Current politics is so far away from Jesus that I think the more separation of church and state the better we Jesus followers can be protected from the evangelical political group that Don has identified above, who should more often than not ought put their collective foot in their mouth.

Thank you again, Don, for thinking and writing from your heart, soul, and mind. It is healthy for you to do and healthy for us to read, digest, and discuss in love.

I'm being daring in writing about the second chapter of Searching for God Knows What since it's been almost a week since I read it. But it's worth the risk. The chapter is entitled "Imposters", which talks about Miller's viewing of Santa Clause peeing in the mall bathroom and then not washing your hands! But he also discusses people like Robert Tilton and other TV evangelists and what they have done to squash the trust in Christian leaders. But in the end, he talks about how we other make God into an imposter like Santa Claus, rather than God being God.

But what is hitting me about this chapter is not about the imposters out there, but rather the imposter in here. It made me wonder how much of an imposter I can be. I don't mean that I am acting one way, but doing something totally different. What I really mean is am I living as a follower of Jesus in the way that I talk (or write) like I want to? For example, I've been reading so much more about social justice issues, like building wells in Africa, adopting a third-world child through Compassion International or World Vision. But have I done anything about it? Sadly, no, not yet.

To be fair, there are two other people who are directly impacted by my desire to give away money. To be even more fair, neither of them are influencing me against giving away money. But in reality, I fear that with the second person approaching life sooner and sooner, and the first person possibly no longer working when the second person arrives, that I should be saving money to support my family. But all the meantime (when I do give actually thought to it), I wonder - am I being an imposter? Or do my actions really represent who I really am: a not-very-faithful follower of Jesus.

Both answers are very hard to swallow. Neither is flattering, neither is fulfulling.

In a similar theme, last week I talked with a friend whom I haven't talked with in awhile. I wanted to share with him our news. I was nervous because of the time that had passed since we had last talked for real. But I was more nervous about how to handle what he would tell me, as he had been struggling for some time. I was pleasantly surprised, however, how good he sounded. I could really tell that he has made significant progress in his life, that he was realizing some bad influences in his life. I was really proud of him. I got to talk to him about Donald Miller books and I hope that he gets to read Blue Like Jazz sometime soon.

So to relate that conversation with imposters, I really got the sense from our phone call that he was trying very hard to find out who he really was, who he is, and who he wants to be. It was completely authentic, despite how difficult it was to be truthful with people that are in his lives. I think that is a great start for him. I hope that I will step into that same path to shed the impostering of my life.

I was really hoping to have read the second chapter of Searching for God Knows What, but alas, a last paper is nagging over me and other work. I have been just so tired at night that I haven't been able to read it, but I am going to try to get to it very soon.