I wanted to write about this yesterday, but I got on a roll while I was catching up on my work last night; since that doesn't happen often, I wanted to let it be and let it roll. On Tuesday, I got to go to a intimate "concert" and Q&A session with Susan Werner, a singer-songwriter who is known for her jazzy, folksy music (fantastic musician) and her sharp, witted, and often satirical lyrics. The news article Lehigh published internally (because this wasn't offered to the public) was that Susan "will present selections from her socially conscious, contemporary gospel album “The Gospel Truth". Fortunately for my expectations, I did my homework and listened to the samples of the album on her website. While the music is definitely in the gospel style, I discovered quickly that Susan calls herself "an evangelical agnostic" "dedicated to sharing the gospel of uncertainty." The dripping irony in her words, and especially the tone of her voice, as she talks about in person literally brought a smile on my face.

Werner explained to the students, for whom the presentation was really for, and the rest of us who were just fortunate to be given the opportunity to listen and talk that she has one foot in and one foot out of the church. She was raised in a large Catholic family, struggled with effects of that (more on that later), spent time as a "whiskopalian - a combination of whiskey and episcopalian", moved on to be a "crystal methodist" which was very difficult (said with tongue-in-cheek), and finally came out to be an agnostic. She described her life of uncertain beliefs as being actually a very happy place, being able to live in the here and now and not worrying about what is to come.

She started out the performance with a song called "(Why is Your) Heaven So Small" which uses Appalachian-style gospel singing it seems to the proselytizer who is condemning everyone to hell. But the question throughout the song is "why is your heaven so small?" (italics mine), answering her own question with:

you say you know you say you've read
that holy bible up on your shelf
do you recall when jesus said
judge not, lest ye be judged yourself

for i know you'd damn me if you could
but my friend, that's simply not your call

Quite a challenge, and brings up questions to me similar to what I asked in my last post after I watched the Tibetan Buddhist mandala ritual and ceremony. Clearly this song was derived, at least in part, by the perception that Christians are mainly judgmental rather than loving. But the most interesting part of this song to me is how much the word "your" screams with emphasis. It's not about God's heaven, to the man shouting, it's about his own heaven-view.

From the song "Sunday Mornings" which described the scene of getting a family ready for church, piling into the car, and walking down the aisle late (!) is maybe one of the most common and identifiable memories of many people who grew up in the church. Even deeper in the song, Werner explained to a student question, is the struggle her brother had growing up being "different" and even more struggles her parents had when the church offered no help or guidance on how to love their son who was so "different" essentially (and maybe clearly?) telling them there was no place for him within their walls.

There are plenty of questions asked, situations described, and mostly statements of uncertainty that should pose a challenge to us, especially ones who are following Jesus. While Werner calls herself an agnostic, for me there is a level of humility modeled in her songs that I want to grab as my own. And yes, even uncertainty is something I think is good to grab onto, as well. Because isn't that what faith is about? If there wasn't any uncertainty involved, it would be called rationalization, or even stronger a logical proof. The latter is what pushes out the judgment of our hearts onto the others who are uncertain and looking. The former should pull us to love as Jesus loved. Just as Werner writes to the man shouting that people are going to hell, "well i know you'd damn me if you could, but my friend, that's simply not your call," it is good for me to realize that we aren't the judges of another's fate. The song speaks the truth that Jesus did warn us of such tactics, and even more strongly called us to love.

I was thoroughly able to enjoy this music, these words, even if some of the ideas were foreign to me. Foreign because I've lived with this stuff all of my life, yet strangely comforting because I know that over the last 12 years I've been discovering that there is usually someone behind the curtain pulling certain strings within the church structure that is trying to promote a certain level of commitment. It isn't anywhere close to as easy as it once appeared. I realize now that I don't know anything about scripture despite memorizing gobs and gobs of verses as a kid. I am more uncertain than ever about why things happen the way they do, more skeptical about the organization we call the church, yet more desiring of the faith I can hold onto within my uncertainty, and more desiring of a community that should be the church. I want to call this humility, but even that, in this context, might sound too spiritual. Really, it is uncertainty, and a willingness to be ok with that. It just makes me desire faith more.

I'm going to end this with my favorite song, or at least the one that touched me the most, that Susan Werner sang called "Did Trouble Me". Werner admitted during the Q&A that she had no idea how much was in thing song as she wrote it, but everyone - regardless of their background or beliefs - has connected with that song all over the country. It certainly connected with me.

When I closed my eyes so I would not see
My Lord did trouble me
When I let things stand that should not be
My Lord did trouble me
When I held my head too high too proud
My Lord did trouble me
When I raised my voice too little too loud
My Lord did trouble me

Did trouble me
With a word or a sign
With the ringing of the bell in the back of my mind
Did trouble me
Did stir my soul
For to make me human, to make me whole

When I slept too long, slept too deep
My Lord did trouble me
Put a worrisome vision into my sleep
My Lord did trouble me
When I held myself away and apart
My Lord did trouble me
And the tears of my brother did move my heart
My Lord did trouble me

And of this I'm sure, of this I know
My Lord will trouble me
Whatever I do and wherever I go
My Lord will trouble me
In the whisper of the wind, in the rhythm of a song
My Lord will trouble me
To keep me on the path where I belong
My Lord will trouble me

Will trouble me...
("Did Trouble Me" from The Gospel Truth album by Susan Werner, 2007)