As we were going to bed tonight before I started reading Simply Christian, I mentioned to A* that I hadn't blogged in 2 weeks. And if I had fallen asleep promptly, I wouldn't be writing now. But since I can't sleep, I might as well get back into writing, get my thoughts out of my head so I can fall asleep and get real rest. As I commented on The Musings of Nick, who was nice enough to publicize this blog on his site, work has taken over too much of my time and thoughts the last couple of weeks, but this is also what keeps my thoughts organized, and myself grounded.

Staying committed the writing is one of my biggest challenges. I think it shows in my relationships with people, especially A*, when I have been taking time to write. And as I recognized in the chapter on worship in Simply Christian, if I'm not writing - most spiritual thoughts on God and life, I'm not worshiping Him daily. The chapter on worship was interesting to me because Wright looked at Revelation 4 and 5 to examine what our worship should model, as John was given a vision of heaven and earth intersecting in both space and time. To be clear of context, one of Wright's main premises in the book is that Jesus re-connects heaven and earth as it was in the Garden before the Fall, the space and time that God is in complete relationship with all of creation, and specifically humans, the ones whose image reflects God's own image. Wright emphasizes this point through worship, true worship of Jesus reflecting this reconnection of heaven and earth to the point that we shouldn't be able to separate God as way out there somewhere, but here, in the present and in our spaces.

To emphasize this reflection, Wright goes on to say that the Scriptures, the Word of God, should be the foundation for worship. This should seem obvious as many would say that most worship songs are based on scripture. But he stresses that the Scriptures should be read aloud in worship, not just a verse here or there, but large chunks to show that the entire Bible is the story of God, the Creator and Redeemer, reclaiming the world has His own, over and over again, just as many times as humans have dared and continued to fall away from God. He cautions this liturgical point of view in saying that those who are already in the tradition of liturgy should take care to be sure they aren't just in a pattern of ritual, and those who forsake such a liturgical act should investigate the Psalms especially in the tellings of God's story of redemption.

This made me realize that as long as the time has been since I've written, it has been longer since I've been in the Word in the way that is worshipful to my Creator, my Redeemer. I've mentioned to A* about how I've wanted to read the Bible more, but that hasn't actually motivated me to do so. I'm more motivated now, and now it is making me think about whether I should consider the quality of worship in a church setting based on how much scripture is being read in the worship service - specifically outside of the sermon. Would a church that stresses reading scripture publicly in worship help me to read scripture privately on my own? I don't know - my initial answer would be that worship services that read scripture in this way are traditional services with hymns, organs, and choirs, not my choice of service. I can't think of a contemporary or modern worship service that I have been in that actually read scripture in this way. I wonder what that would look like.

The climax of this post is not as high for me because I wrote these thoughts down over the weekend, after returning from the conference I attended. A* challenged both us to keep up with the reading of the books we are respectively doing for small group, despite my opinion of the book. So I read the two chapters of Wild at Heart I missed the previous week, chapters 8 and 9. Below are my thoughts and subsequent prayer on the subject matter:

Chapter 8 - This chapter finally touched on the spiritual nature versus an emotional nature or personality. This was the first chapter that actually meant something to me. It actually hit me to the core of how I feel like I fail, in the big picture, and in the smallest part of my heart.

There, in that place, is indeed a battle, a constant one, that indicates to me that I don't have what it takes; that I will never overcome the obstacles; that I will never be enough; that I will always fail. And that piece of my heart is extremely sensitive, to the words of others, especially those who are close, and it is torture when the battle of words in my head rages on. An accusation, the lack of affirmation, the doubt of a moment: all of these fuel the torturous wound inside.

I'm imagining, after reading this chapter, that I am nearing a breaking point - the point where either I'll begin to win the war or lose any and all leverage I've ever gained or I thought I had (even now I doubt I have any). My largest fear is that this point, this important battle, will be disguised, covertly deceiving, as a small battle of little importance; one that I can ignore in preparation for the real battle.

So now I am on my knees in my living room; a posture I have arrogantly ignored for so long. God, I need help in releasing my pride - my own self-preservation that harms me when I feel attacked. God, I need help in releasing my doubt in my worth - the voice that loops through the messages that I am not good enough, that I will always fail, and nothing will ever change me. God, I need help in gaining a focused mind, heart, and soul - so that I can love as You love, care as You care, forgive and You forgive, be full of grace like You.

My body is pulsing through my beating heart, my knees rocking on the floor. God, take over.

Chapter 9 - p. 171

Time with God each day is not about academic study or getting through a certain amount of scripture or any of that. It's about connecting with God. We've got to keep those lines of communication open, so use whatever helps. Sometimes I'll listen to music; other times I'll read Scripture or a passage from a book; often I will journal; maybe I'll go out for a run; then there are days when all I need is silence and solitude and the rising sun. The point is simply to do whatever brings me back to my heart and the heart of God.