A mistake here, another set back there, an innocent criticism one day, a confusing situation the next, a fault of mine is that I let little pieces of things like this build up inside. It's classically the thing one should not do, especially when things aren't necessarily going my way. But tonight as we were going to bed, I just felt like I needed to scream, at no one in particular, in fact I wouldn't want to scream at anyone.

I quickly knew why I got to this point, and that is in the past I was able to play out my emotional buildup on the basketball court, the golf course, or the softball field. I'd play a little more physical, run a little harder, push myself that much further and get my adrenaline pumping to release the potential toxins inside. But I haven't been able to do that because my knee hasn't been healing in the way that was expected, or at least I expected.

I am running out of therapy visits and another doctors appointment lurks ahead. Lubricating injections is apparently what is next, but I am not very optimistic that it will help. I want to hope it does. I keep pressing on with my stretching and exercises daily because I don't want there to be any doubt that I'm doing what I should be doing. And while I'm not always frustrating I'm missing another pickup game at the gym, when I grimace at the grocery store pushing the shopping cart or when I feel the sharp pinch as I'm climbing the stairs to put Amelia to bed or my knee slightly locks when I get down on the floor to play with her, that's when the real frustration sets in.

The longer I hold onto these emotions, the more toxic they will become. I'm already apathetic to our fall small group study book, I'm a little more edgy in my attitudes on some of my work projects, and I'm less patient with people than I should be. I don't like that. So while this isn't really screaming, it is getting it out there, a chance to try to release some of what is inside.

A* mentioned to me yesterday that she realized it has been a few weeks since we've been to the church we stopped going to and had previously wondered if that would be weird to her. But she told me that she feels so much better since we stopped attending that church, that she feels less depressed and less stressed. I couldn't have agreed more. I have felt so much better overall since leaving. I don't end my weekend all bothered by another terrible sermon, more made-up points that conveniently use one verse of scripture here and one verse of scripture there to "prove" the point, and over-reaching requests for "more faithful" giving from one side of the mouth with an exuberant announcement of the auditorium stage being transformed into a 30-foot boat for the next sermon series from the other side of the mouth. (Seriously? Seriously? You are nearing a 6-figure debt and you're spending money on wood to build a 30-foot ship for a 4-week sermon series?)

We did go to LCBC Saturday night, and I am glad we did. I wish I could get that kind of spiritual rush every time I attended a worship service. I hope that I do some day. Interestingly I have a lot of expectations when I go into a service there - I expect to be able to worship fully, I expect my heart to be moved, I expect to be challenged. And I don't know that I've left a service there when it hasn't met my expectations. I've been noticing as I've taken a break from spiritual books for a few weeks that I expect similar things from books that I read. I want to read books that will challenge me spiritual to think, reflect, examine, meditate, compare, contrast, and overall dwell on God. I found that when I started reading The Message translation of Galatians which was being examined in An Emergent Theology for Emerging Churches.

They worship team played a song by Daughtry called Crashed. While not overtly spiritual, while reading the lyrics as the lead sang the song, I could definitely see it being written as a spiritual song, specifically to God. I did find out that before he landed on American Idol, Chris Daughtry was the lead for an alternative Christian band, so it is not entirely out of the question. I don't know how I didn't get turned onto his music sooner - probably because I stopped watching American Idol before this year. I just couldn't take it anymore. But I definitely need to get that song on my iPod and maybe some of his others. Need to decide whether to get the whole album or less than 10 of his songs.

Well I was moving at the speed of sound.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur.
What I was looking for, I'm not sure.
Too late and didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

Somehow, I couldn't stop myself.
I just wanted to know how it felt.
Too strong, I couldn't hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened.
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing.
Yeah, yeah.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me.
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need.
Oh, just what I need.

And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.

It has been weeks since I've taken the time to sit down, think, and write. I've been overloaded at work - honestly, I've been overloaded for a couple years now, but the last four weeks have been the worst in terms of the amount of projects that are needing to be worked on. It is exhausting to realize just how little I'm able to accomplish with respect to how much people want to have accomplished, but more exhausting when all the effort I've been putting in based on certain designs and requirements are changed at the last minute because someone distantly in charge has an expectation without regard to those requirements and designs.

Tomorrow -- or maybe tonight by the time I'm done writing this -- we are going to LCBC for worship with A*'s sister and brother-in-law after spending the day with them and some other of A*'s relatives that will be in Lancaster for the day. I need to worship. I haven't given myself time to worship alone recently, and our transition back to our original church hasn't started yet because of a number of transitions that church is going through themselves. In a small way, this entry is worship, and I'll definitely need to remind myself of that. God has created us as spiritual persons who need to be in relationships to function: relationships with other humans, relationships with God, and relationship with ourselves. This time that I spend writing, reflecting, and being still is worship - it is a spiritual discipline that I need to realize how much I need the love of God and others who God has put around me.

With that in mind right now, I never cease to wonder why it is that I go so long without such time of reflection, and spiritual and emotional debriefing. My method at work is to drive myself into working as hard as I possibly can by myself on projects leaving it until it is almost too late to ask for help. I think part of that is because I've asked so many times for another person to be hired to take some of the workload so we can accomplish our goals as a group and that has been denied so I just believe it's all up to me. But the other is that I think I'm being lazy if I ask for help too quickly. But I think that is the opposite of what God would like me to be. He wants me to ask for help, to live out my life with others, to seek out His love in worship and community, to love and be loved.

So why is it that I was so distant and frustrated during small group tonight? Have I exhausted myself so much through my work that I have left nothing else of my energy for others? Am I jealous of the excitement and passion of the two members in our small group who recently started following Jesus and were baptized? Or am I cynical that their enthusiasm is misguided because they have found something at the church we are leaving - the same something that is our main reason for leaving? Am I so dry that the water being offered to me falls off of me without soaking in? I need to worship.

Amelia turns 1 in 12 days. She started walking 5 days ago. Her growing, her learning, her sense of accomplishment and adventure are reminders of just how much I need God. I want her to feel the love of God all around her. I want her to experience it for herself. I don't want it just to be Sunday School story, a dressed-up fairy tale, that seems too good to be true. I want to be graceful with her when she sins, to show her mercy and unending love. But I need to know and experience that daily myself. I need to worship.